Thursday, June 14, 2007

Years ago, I was involved in making a movie of sorts. I was an actor, and I was involved in a street scene. We were filming in a real marketplace with real people, and the direction given to me was inadequate.

I walked to the end of the market, and turned, and began walking back toward the camera, according to the [non-existent] script. I was trying to do the things I'd been told to do, and not mess up. We were losing the light, and this shot was important.

Half-way through, a girl walked up to me and greeted me, and asked if she could talk to me. This alone did not junk the shot - how I handled the situation would determine if the take was good or not. I smiled at her, nodded, and walked on.

The girl said, to herself mostly, "I guess not". We got the shot, and I went back to find the girl, to talk to her. She was gone. The situation was rather more worse, due to the nature of what we were doing; the details aren't important. What is important, is that I was ashamed of myself, for considering one take (which wasn't even that important overall) to be more pressing, than engaging another human being, who after all, just wanted to be friendly.

As a result of that (and earlier life stuff) I am overly-sensitive to offending people by my own lack of attention. I hate to think I might have missed an opportunity to brighten someone's day; it bothers me a lot when I miss something I should have caught, and possibly offend someone, purely through my own lack of attention.

Another person would shrug it off, and try to do better. I am obsessed, however, with not hurting, not offending, not being mean -- to the point that I have found myself unable to function properly, to lead, to drive situations that require being firm, regardless of someone else's feelings.

And sometimes, I turn small things into huge things in my own mind. I imagine I have given offense when none was taken, and I berate myself over interpersonal crimes that exist only in my imagination.

I suspect this is driven by my very old and deeply-ingrained insecurities; nevertheless, it is problematic, and something I need to work on.

One person told my I have a lot of [self-imposed] rules. Another person told me I need to stop worrying what everyone else thinks. Mostly people just look at me quizzically, or tell me to grow up. It is, in a sense, a form of immaturity, but it isn't by choice.

Anyway. I'll work on it -- I have self-imposed so many things, I doubt I will ever be completely free of all of it, but if I can even become half the person I should be, then that is half-way closer than I have been in the recent past.